


"How to effectively co-parent your sentient appliances" by Anthony J Crowley & A.Z. Fell

by GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Bob Is A Little Shit, Bob the Roomba - Freeform, Comedy, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley's A+ parenting, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Roomba of doom, Roombas, bob the doomba - Freeform, robo mower, robot lawnmower, sentient appliances, staged - Freeform, vacuum cleaner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25118743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster
Summary: “So, what you gonna call this then, Angel?”"How to effectively co-parent your sentient appliances by A.Z. Fell & Anthony J Crowley”“I want my name to go first.”“But it was my idea.”“It’s about alphabetical order, see? Crowley goes before Fell.”“But…”“Anthony with an An goes before Aziraphale with an Az.”“Crowley…”“J for Just a J really goes before Z for just a Z really.”-----------------Aziraphale decides to get Crowley to help him write a rather unique parenting guide. Prepare for Staged easter eggs. This Fic is an accessory work to my ongoing SFW comedy fic"Roomba of Doom"wherein Crowley adopts a demonically possessed sentient Roomba named Bob. If you haven't read it already, I'd suggest it. There's no end point to that fic, I'll keep adding chapters as long as I have material to inspire them. Feel free to send me some!
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Bob/Lydia
Comments: 68
Kudos: 178





	"How to effectively co-parent your sentient appliances" by Anthony J Crowley & A.Z. Fell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WriteItOtt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriteItOtt/gifts), [CynSyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynSyn/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Roomba of Doom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23066155) by [GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster). 



> Inspiration by [WriteItOtt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriteItOtt/pseuds/WriteItOtt), thanks!

“Crowley, dear, would you help me set up this voice recorder thingamajig, please?”

“Dictaphone, Angel.”

“Language, Crowley!”

“It’s not rude, Aziraphale, it’s what it’s called. Like dictation and telephone. And yes, it’s this button here. What d’you want it for, anyway?”

“Well I rather thought I might make some notes for a little book I wanted to work on. As you said, dictate my thoughts, and yours, on our experiences of raising Bob and Lydia. Then I can transcribe it later on.”

“Uh, ok. Well there ya go… it’s on. Go for it.”

* * *

**Fell:**

When I first moved in with my wonderful partner, Anthony, I never imagined that parenthood would come into my life quite so quickly. Not the traditional kind of course, that’s not really for us, after Anthony spent 11 years as a professional nanny, I fear his tolerance for nappies and puréed baby food has somewhat diminished. Still, it did give him his own unique style of, dare I say it, rather laissez-faire parenting skills. 

Anthony’s graduation into single parent of a particularly belligerent sentient robot vacuum cleaner came as somewhat of a surprise to him as well, and despite the considerable work demands on him at the time that dear little Robert came into his life, I think he coped admirably under the circumstances. 

When Anthony first met Robert, he was still working as a Nanny and helping work to avert armageddon, which is a bit of a difficult work-life balance to achieve with a newly adopted son at home desperate for attention. He often feels he didn’t perhaps start off on the right tone with Robert, and that the dastardly little appliance’s tantrums may have stemmed from this initial difficult time for both of them. 

**Crowley:**

Bob was somewhat of an impulse adoption, he was pretty starved for attention in his previous home and I kind of felt sorry for the little bugger. He first floated the idea of adoption, in his own roundabout way, by letting me know he wasn’t happy where he was. It just so happened that my own living arrangements aligned with his dream home, and I also wasn’t exactly in a position to refuse him at that point either. 

The first couple of years I wasn’t at home often so he had the place pretty much to himself and ran riot. Fortunately there isn’t much trouble a Roomba can get into on his own in a mostly empty apartment, so things were fairly quiet. I let him watch what he wanted on tv which might have been a mistake in hindsight. 

I probably wasn’t the best parent at first, I treated him more like a roommate than anything, provided he stayed out of my space while I was busy with work assignments I didn’t take much notice of what he got up to. I probably didn’t set much of a good example sometimes, but then that does kind of tie in with my work persona anyway. 

**Fell:**

When I first met Robert, it was the first night I’d stayed over with my boyfriend, well, the first night together as a couple anyway, Armageddon night aside. Robert had been at home that night but I hadn’t met him yet, and my mind was somewhat elsewhere at the time. Anthony tells me that while I was making myself comfortable, he went and found his son cowering under the table in the study, for reasons which I shan’t go into, but he didn’t introduce us then. I did wonder, however, why he left the television on all night playing “The Brave Little Toaster” on repeat. 

Anyhow, on my next visit, Robert, not having been formally introduced to me, was naturally curious and wandered into the bedroom the next morning. A predicament which I’m sure most parents would find mortifying at the best of times, even more so when you haven’t even met your partner’s child yet! I think Anthony was rather wrong-footed and panicked. He did yell rather harshly and poor Robert retreated to the lounge, probably somewhat confused and hurt. I couldn’t bear the thought of him associating me with his father’s anger, so I endeavoured to make friends as quickly as possible. 

**Crowley:**

You threw crumbs on my floor.

**Fell:**

Yes, dear. And it worked. 

Now, where was I? Oh yes, Anthony related to me the story of how he’d first come to adopt Robert, some time before armageddon, and after being introduced later that morning, I set out to get to know my new stepson better, by means of the letter board on the study floor initially, until I came to understand him better. 

Robert is non-verbal, but is extremely adept at making himself understood in a variety of other ways. There are the LED flashes - blue is his normal state and polite conversation, red however indicates that he is rather unhappy about something. Flashing red is a distinct warning that he is becoming very angry. I do endeavour to forestall things before they get that far. 

Robert also has several different styles of beep, ways of growling his motors, whining his pulley belts, snapping a cog abruptly to create clicks, rolling his eyes, body language with subtle movements, the aforementioned letter board for when something needs spelling out more precisely. In an emergency, a newfound skill he has developed is emitting a series of bees, usually when he requires assistance. 

**Crowley:**

Should never have let him have access to that typo-ridden user manual.

I also gave Bob his own ipod and dock which he likes to wear sometimes. I dunno why I didn’t think of it sooner, but I recently loaded some movie clips with lines from famous films onto it that he can use if he wants to get his point across, but that’s not a permanent part of his equipment. He doesn’t seem to mind either, he’s pretty happy communicating like he always has. 

We’ve definitely grown closer since my partner moved in, my Angel has been encouraging us to communicate better and do more as a family. I realised I hadn’t been including Bob much in my life or leisure activities. So we’ve been eating meals together, sharing crumbs of leftover food I’ve home cooked is more of a symbolic thing really - Bob doesn’t need to eat, much like us, but he enjoys it anyway, also like us. We’ve been hanging out watching telly together, we take turns picking the film on movie night, and my other half encouraged me to start taking Bob for walks outside, which has been good for him, he gets to let off some steam, stretch his wheels, see more of life outside the house and interact with other people. 

Honestly I think a lot of his lack of social skills probably came from the fact he didn’t leave the house at all until my partner encouraged me to give him a little more free rein, although obviously we don’t let him out unsupervised. 

**Fell:**

Yes, Robert’s social skills were rather lacking and he had become rather protective of his home. He took to me like a duck to water, but as he takes after his father somewhat, this means that he’s also become rather protective of me in turn, which can create somewhat of a problem on occasions when other people visit, such as meter readers and supermarket delivery people. We have had to have stern words with him over a couple of incidents. 

With repeated exposure to the great outdoors, however, he has been improving immeasurably. He can still get a little overenthusiastic around dogs, but he’s learned to mix with cats politely. Small children still set him into a screaming fit however, although I think that might have just been him trying to out-scream the toddler, thinking it was a competition of some sort. 

**Crowley:**

And getting him company of his own kind definitely helped his mental health. That one wasn’t decided by any one of us on our own though, it ended up being a bit of a group effort. I mean, my partner did find that Bob had been hoarding appliance catalogues under the sofa, with a bit of a fixation on other vacuums and robotic devices. It’s only natural, really, that he’d show an interest. 

Anyway, Bob found her at first, She was also being neglected at home, she’d obviously been forgotten for quite some time, and no one would notice if she was there or not really. Definitely no one had ever given her any attention before. Bob just kind of  _ looked  _ at me, and damn it, I  _ know  _ he learned that look from you, love…

**Fell:**

You can hardly blame him, dear, under the circumstances. And yes, he is a quick learner. I’m very proud of him.

**Crowley:**

Yeah, well. I knew we had to bring her home, so I did. Like Bob, she wasn’t sentient at first, I didn’t really have much in the way of plans except for making my kid happy, I hadn’t thought further than that to be honest. Then I woke up one morning and I could hear her rumbling about the house and went to investigate. Turns out this soft touch had done it for me, so Lydia takes after my Angel more than anything.

**Fell:**

Lydia is such a dear, she’s the strong, silent type, very calm and compassionate. She has a strict set of morals and understanding of what’s right and wrong, and sets a good example to Robert. Her assistance has been pivotal in creating a cohesive family unit to help Crowley and I establish consistency in co-parenting him. 

Consistency really is the key to it all really. You must present a united front, back each other up, decide on a set of rules and stick to them. When you must say no, do try to remember to explain why as well. I confess even I sometimes forget that one, but one must also work on one’s own self-improvement as well, it’s an ongoing process that never ends, you see. 

Anthony dear often forgets himself and tends to laugh at some of Robert’s more high-spirited shenanigans, and I have to remind him that we do not tolerate some behaviours to get things back on track again. 

Lydia is such a sweetheart, she’s found that when Robert does get rather rambunctious or over-enthusiastic, that a good, firm hug is the key to settling him down. He does seem to appreciate pressure therapy, so a grounding hand or gentle embrace is the key to calming him when distressed or over excited. Lydia achieves this by gently pinning him to the floor until he settles. 

**Crowley:**

Y’know, I think the reading helps as well, love.

**Fell:**

Oh yes. Along with consistency, routine is also important. I don’t sleep quite as much as my partner, so a regular part of our nightly routine involves me reading to the appliances. I started them off on children’s books, which remain their favourite, but have been getting into more teen-orientated novels recently. I got them hooked on the idea by starting out with children’s books which related to them, featuring other appliances, of which you’d be surprised how many exist. A firm favourite is “The Witches’ vacuum cleaner” by the late Sir Terry Pratchett. 

Being a bookseller…  _ what? Don’t laugh, Anthony _ . Anyhow, being a bookseller, I have access to a wealth of resources and knowledge, but whilst my own collection of more modern children’s books can sometimes be a little lacking, our dear friend Adam Young did gift me several splendid first edition copies of such when he kindly assisted with a major renovation of my premises. For the rest, I frequent the local library. I’m yet to take Robert along with me to select his own however, as he still finds it difficult to remain quiet when he gets excited and I’d rather not get banned from the library at my age. Perhaps when he’s settled a little more, I might treat him to a visit.

**Crowley:**

Taking him to work with you the first time was fun.  _ Don’t look at me like that _ . He’s got better, you’ve got to admit. Anyhow, I’ve been taking the kids to work with me more, and they both love it. My colleagues love them and a couple have offered to look after Bob and Lydia when I’m called into the office. Eric and Dagon are great with them. I’ve also taken them out on the odd minor assignment. Lydia loves being helpful and likes using her strength to assist, so we’ve got her a little wagon to pull supplies with. The other week she carried the gardening supplies while I was doing some grafting on apple trees. 

**Fell:**   
You started the idea with Robert giving the plants rides, then I made him the little train. He's not as strong as Lydia but provided the cargo is lightweight, he is coming to enjoy giving the plants a ride more than one at a time. It was a punishment at first but he now goes up to his wagons and nudges them to ask me to hitch him up and load him with some of the lighter plant pots. 

**Crowley:**

Yeah he’s been a bit calmer since he got a regular job to do. Vacuuming the place never was much of a challenge for him, I’m not a messy person by nature so there wasn’t much for him to do. Now we have to make mess for him to clean up most of the time. 

On that point though, despite him not needing to consume things, he does enjoy it, sometimes for the usefulness, sometimes because it tastes nice, a lot of the time it’s just his innate nature and need to tidy stuff. But some things he ingests can cause issues. WD40 should be considered somewhere between vodka, caffeine, and a mild hallucinogenic. Coffee and sugar give him a bit of a manic energy boost. Hot things like chilli peppers, mustard powder and suchlike hurt whatever passes for taste buds, so always keep some powdered milk on hand as a remedy. 

**Fell:**

I feel, at some point, we must discuss the subject of… upgrades.

**Crowley:**

Yeah, I suppose so. 

**Fell:**

Giving one’s appliances upgrades to increase their independence and self-confidence is something one should consider. Upgrades should be earned and used responsibly. Anthony has been known to be a little hasty in some of his indulgences with his son, and I cannot recommend some of the more potentially lethal options he’s allowed Robert free rein to play with. Chainsaws and flamethrowers may be fine for robot battle competitions, but not for around the house. Always ensure the upgrades are easily removable. 

A solar charger, however, is an excellent “coming of age” type gift that shows you respect your child’s growing independence, and want to give them more freedom to move about without the fear of getting too far from their charging port. Both Robert and Lydia have these, and Lydia in particular enjoys using hers to decrease reliance on her wired charging port whenever possible, to reduce the impact of fossil fuels on the planet. Robert still enjoys the security of his charging port like a comfort blanket however, and relies on his solar panels more to indulge his love of long walks with his father. 

His more dangerous upgrades have a time and a place. He’s quite welcome to use them when going to work with Anthony, as my partner’s colleagues are somewhat resilient to their danger, but I have laid down a rule about their use within the home. 

**Crowley:**

Pretty glad he didn’t have either of them deployed when he assassinated the Keurig, it might have been messier. Which reminds me - be careful about showing attention to your non-sentient appliances around your very clingy sentient one, because they can get jealous.

**Fell:**

I think what my partner  _ means  _ to say, is talk to your appliances about jealousy, and more constructive ways of resolving it than homicide, or appliance-cide. Just because one has been a winner on Robot Wars does not allow one free rein to murder other electrical devices. Using lethal force on a defenceless opponent that doesn’t even  _ know  _ it’s an opponent is not exactly fighting fair. 

**Crowley:**

That said, I think I’d fear Lydia more in a bad temper, she’s got actual blades. She threatened to chop a man’s arm off once. We trusted her to make a responsible choice on her own, although Bob did have a discussion with her about it which resulted in her standing down. It’s nice to know that for once he was the voice of reason. 

Generally though, so long as Lydia’s got some grass to mow and a sunspot to sit in, she’s happy. We’ve got creative as well, if it can shred, she loves to shred it. My Angel figured that one out - she makes a great, if messy, document shredder, although Bob needs to help her to clean the mess up afterwards. Teamwork is great for their relationship as well. They’re never happier than when pairing up to work on something together. Bob likes to mow up the grass clippings sometimes, and when there’s some dropped food that’s too big for him to eat, Lydia mulches it for him first, like chopping up his dinner. Kinda cute really. 

**Fell:**   
It has been a little more unpredictable around here since Robert discovered some of his more demonic abilities however, like snapping. Useful for spider control, but somewhat of a hazard when he’s feeling hyperactive and begins to do high speed circuits of the ceiling. 

We definitely had to have a chat with him outlining what is and isn’t safe and acceptable behaviour in the house when it comes to exploring newfound occult powers. He has a dreadful tendency to copy his father’s habits as well, so talking to Anthony about what behaviours he displays in front of his son is equally important. No, don’t look at me like that, dear. You know I’m right. 

Anyhow, as in most areas of life, communication is key. Encourage not only your children to talk out their feelings, but also your partner, create a cohesive front to support your appliances with firm boundaries whilst encouraging their creative outlets in a safe and directed manner.

**Crowley:**

And every now and then, break the rules.

**Fell:**

_ Crowley! _

* * *

“So, what you gonna call this then, Angel?”

" _ How to effectively co-parent your sentient appliances _ by A.Z. Fell & Anthony J Crowley”

“I want my name to go first.”

“But it was my idea.”

“It’s about alphabetical order, see?  _ Crowley _ goes before  _ Fell _ .”

“But…”

“Anthony with an  _ An _ goes before Aziraphale with an  _ Az _ .”

“Crowley…”

“J for Just a J really goes before Z for just a Z really.”

“How about A. Z. Fell,  _ with  _ A. J Crowley?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“A. Z. Fell  _ introducing  _ A. J. Crowley?”   
  
“Nope.”   
  
“A. Z. Fell  _ nevertheless  _ A. J. Crowley?”

“Now you’re being silly. I’m going first.” 

“A. Z. Fell,  _ notwithstanding _ , A. J. Crowley.”

“Noooooope.”

“Oh,  _ do  _ shut up and go and get me a cup of tea, you despicable demon.”

“Coming right up, adorable Angel.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a comment on Roomba of Doom, many of the chapters there were inspired by reader comments so please feel free to leave more ideas of what this dysfunctional little family can get up to. I decided to use this as a standalone separate accessory fic due to length and just because it was kind of nice to have it on it's own, but linked it to the main fic in lieu of a chapter this week.


End file.
